Everybody's STILL After Cloud's Goods
by IcePrincess777
Summary: The long awaited sequel to Everybody's After Cloud's Goods! General parody of yaoi fics. MPreg in first chapter, probably worse later.
1. The Morning After

Greetings, all and welcome to the as yet untitled sequel to Everybody's After Cloud's Ass, or Everybody's after Cloud's Goods as it appears officially because of the whole G rated title thing. Much in the vein of its predecessor, this is a good natured spoof of a great number of FFVII yaoi fics. If anything looks familiar, no I'm not making fun of anybody in particular and no, this is not meant to be offensive to any authors or readers. Keep in mind that if I thought these fics sucked so badly, I wouldn't have bothered reading them in the first place. That settled and the mandatory "I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Advent Children, Harry Potter, Full Metal Alchemist or the name of my OC" made, we can now commence with the literary recreation of the apocalypse.

Everybody's _**Still**_ After Cloud's Goods

Chapter 1: The Morning After/ Oh God No, the MPreg

T'was a most delightful morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and Cloud Strife was just waking up in the arms of his former idol turned mortal enemy turned fucky buddy or boyfriend type…thing. He wasn't exactly sure about that. The previous night was one big, erotic blur in his already fragmented memory. He had just walked in the door to find that there was a huge gay orgy in his living room and then the songfic started in his bedroom. And who should he find waiting for him but his adolescent crush?

No, not Tifa. His _other_, not completely canon adolescent crush.

Up until this point, Cloud didn't know that it was possible for one man to have so many consecutive erections and have so much hot, mind blowing sex in one night. He would have to ask Sephiroth about that when he woke up. That and the orgy in the living room and the missing bottle of cherry lube.

The silver haired man had heard him stirring and looked down on his chocobo- headed lover.

"Hi."

Cloud twitched a little, not expecting to see him awake. Sephiroth cracked a mischievous grin.

"Sephy pooh bear? Can I ask you a question?", Cloud asked, his eyes widening into a mock sad puppy face.

"Anything as long as you promise never to call me that again."

"What in the Ancients' name happened last night?"

Sephiroth sighed, silver bangs waving as he shook his head.

"Hell if I know. Jenova pulled me out of the Lifestream yesterday, then I showed up in Tseng's apartment. I think the bullet's still in my head somewhere. And then we came here to find what was quickly descending into an obligatory songfic in the living room. And then you showed up."

"How did you make that music come out of nowhere?"

"No clue. I told Jenova to leave me alone when I'm fucking my boyfriend, but I guess she didn't listen."

"Aside from your Mom watching, it was pretty cool though."

"I didn't appreciate being called a queen."

His smile widened, showing perfectly pointed teeth.

"Luckily you were too much of a distraction for me to care enough to run her through with Masamune."

Cloud laughed, hugging Sephiroth again.

"Honey pumpkin? Can I ask you something else?"

"Please just call me by my name…"

"What would you say if I told you I was pregnant?"

Cold mako green eyes stared into Cloud's sky blue ones, considering a response carefully.

"I'd say that you are in serious need of a biology lesson and possibly trying to trap me into some sort of impromptu shotgun wedding. In any case, it would seriously be a bad idea for anything else with either your stupid gene or my Jenova cells to be running around, nevermind in the same body."

"Alright. Just checking."

"Good."

A chocobo warked outside before spontaneously combusting.

"Sephy-chan? I'm pregnant."

"Cloud, haven't we just been through this?"

"But I like pretty dresses and nail polish and I was bleeding out of my ass a few days ago and I think that was my period."

Sephiroth sighed, slapping himself in the head and cursing his choice of boyfriends.

"Bleeding out of your ass isn't the same thing as a period. You need a vagina, ovaries and uterus for that."

"But I have those."

"Come again?"

"Uh……I don't think I can right now."

"Not what I meant."

"Oh, THAT come again. Yeah, I have those. You hit them instead of my ass, but it felt so good that I didn't want to tell you."

Sephiroth dived under the covers and inspected in between Cloud's legs.

"Oh I don't fucking believe this! Those were NOT there last night!"

"YOU TRICKED ME!!", he screamed, springing up from the covers and closing his hands around Cloud's throat.

"Ack!...not…..my…..fault your….aim…sucks!"

"Yes, but withholding something like that is certainly warranting of your death."

"Not so fast! You wouldn't want to be convicted of fetal homicide, now would you?"

"What the? Okay. Even if by some miracle you did manage to get knocked up in the timespan of 10 hours, it's still just a tiny little collection of cells. Hell, it's probably not even implanted yet."

"I'll call the Republicans on you."

A trace of something that looked like either fear or constipation crossed Sephiroth's face as he turned white as a ghost, eyes widening in disbelief.

"You wouldn't."

"Every sperm is sacred."

"Even the ones that you swallowed?"

"It was only foreplay so I could fuck you after. They died for a good cause."

He heard a feminine scream come from the living room and rushed to investigate.

"Yeah, distraction!"


	2. Enter the Outside References

Rumors of my death (however welcome) have been greatly exaggerated. My sanity is dead, of course, but that's been gone for a while now. Unfortunately I still don't own any of the characters appearing in this chapter except for Nightwish and the truckload of generic SOLDIERS. And I don't even own their names!!

Rated M for yaoi, character suicide, Dane Cook and Rocky Horror Picture Show references, Hojo being crazy and Midgar just being itself.

Chapter 2: Enter the Outside References

_Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the bowels of Midgar…_

A lone computer monitor, light tempered slightly by a yellow sticky note placed over the center of the screen was the main source of light in this cold, damp, Gaia forsaken room. Tubes that pulsed like veins along the walls provided some dull lime green, giving the effect that the room was breathing. But otherwise all but the screen was dark.

A key card slid through a lock on the other side of the door, clicking open the lock. Iridescent yellow now illuminated the rectangle swath where Hojo had opened the door. He groped the side of the wall closest to him for a few seconds on his quest for the light switch. Unable to find the Holy Grail of photon emission, he gave up and walked into the room, taking only four steps before tripping over an ill-placed stool. To make matters worse, the scientist's head met with the tip of a shoe when he tried to get up. Hanging by a rope from one of the mako laden pipes that crisscrossed the walls and ceiling, Hojo found himself looking up into the now lifeless face of one Reeve Tuesti.

Hojo sighed, shook his head and made his way over to the computer. He had always known that anyone masochistic enough to work for Shinra had to be off their rocker to some degree, so it was really only a matter of time until something of this nature happened. Ripping the note off of the monitor, the doctor held it up to the dim light in order to read the last words of the former Head of Urban Development.

"_**This all began as a simple assignment. Spy on AVALANCHE. Report any pertinent information to the President and Science Department. The robot Cait Sith has served that purpose well by posing as a stuffed animal on the couch of what we now know to be the group's headquarters. As underhanded as this was, along with almost everything that you have ever demanded of me (and you've had me pull some pretty nasty shit), I was content to keep my objections to myself and get to work.**_

_**However, what I have been forced to witness as a result of this assignment during the past few hours has disgusted me beyond any hope of redemption. As I know I will not be willingly released from my duties, the President shall have to accept this as my resignation. I say to you, Mr. Shinra, you can't fire me. I QUIT!**_

_**Goodbye, cruel world. May whatever awaits me contain far less blatant yaoi than what I have seen here.**_

_**Yours Truly,**_

_**Reeve Tuesti"**_

Hojo's eyebrows rose a good three inches as he marveled at the fact that the note was followed by a scribble meant to be Reeve's official signature and the stamp of every department in the company. Looking at the cause of Reeve's demise, the good doctor's jaw dropped open. This scene was just too much!

"Jesus fucking Batman on a pogo stick…"

The mad scientist practically flew out of the room, slamming the door after him and leaving the Reeve's body along in the darkness once again.

KISS ME, I'M A PAGE BREAK

_Meanwhile, outside of Seventh Heaven…_

Tifa ran up the walkway almost as fast as her legs could carry her. In her hurry, she tripped over a motorcycle. Noticing that it wasn't Cloud's Fenrir, she gave it a backward glance as she got up and continued to run while attempting to straighten out her already disheveled clothing. The sun would rise momentarily, giving Tifa only precious seconds to get inside, sneak up to her room, make up an excuse for why she had gotten home so late and buy Marlene and Denzels' silence. Probably with Pixie Sticks. She was really starting to regret introducing Cloud to the joys of yoga.

Wiping a stray smudge of lipstick off of her face, Tifa groped around her seemingly bottomless pocket in search of her keys.

Chapstick. Scuba goggles. Phoenix Down that had been missing since just prior to Aeris's death.

"Heh. Oops."

And finally…KEYS!!!

Tifa could never remember the lock making so much noise as it had that fateful morning. The house shook, dogs barked and the neighbors yelled to keep it down, but eventually the door creaked open. Every step after that Tifa took over the new hardwood floor seemed to taunt her.

"Cheeeeeeeater", the first board screamed.

"Liiiiiiiar", the second chimed in.

"Herpes"

"Herpes"

"HERPES!!"

Wincing at the floor's accusations, Tifa stood still for a moment.

"He was good to you!", one whispered as she shifted her weight. Behind her, the morning sun was making its dreaded appearance. Creeping slowly over the floor, it shed light on the evidence of a wild party from the night before. Mouth agape, Tifa beheld the orgy of naked men, emptied bottles of flavored lubricant and…..was that a disco ball on the ceiling? She dropped her keys in shock, waking the man closest to her. Zack looked up blearily at first, then instantly perked up as he recognized the girl from Nibelheim.

"Tifa! Long time no see!"

Zack jumped up to give her a hug, to which she responded by screaming at the top of her lungs.

"No, Ron! I don't want to ride your broomstick!", Harry protested, dislodging Edward's head as he shot himself into a sitting position.

"Ow! Watch it, wand boy!" Ed shouted, rubbing his bruised head with his metal hand as a blanket clad Cloud screeched to an unsteady halt in the doorframe of the living room a few yards away.

"What's the ma.."

Cloud paused. His eyes scanned the room as well as a now less stunned and more angry looking Tifa.

"Cloud!"

"Tifa!"

"Reno!"

"Zack!"

"Person I don't know!" 

"Rocky!"

"Bullwinkle!"

"Hojo!", the same white lab coat-clad mad scientist exclaimed, bursting through the front door and throwing what looked like a small, purple cherry bomb into the crowd on the floor. Giggling maniacally, he hit the dirt to the right side of the door as the room filled with smoke too fast for any of its inhabitants to react. Waving to a truck waiting in the driveway full of SOLDIERS in HAZMAT suits, he listened for the telltale thumping sounds of Cloud, Tifa and Zack hitting the floor before clearing his team to go in.

"I want them brought back to my lab immediately. And whatever you do, don't breathe the fumes!"


End file.
